Monday, January 4, 2016

Goals for 2016


The definition of COURAGE is the ability to do something that FRIGHTENS you. To find STRENGTH in the face of grief or pain.

IMPORTANT: It's not the ability to AVOID those things that terrify you --- it is the ability to face them HEAD ON and DO something other than continue to RUN from them. 


Now, doing that takes MOTIVATION --- You don't leap into a burning building for no reason --- there has to be something inside worth taking the risk of saving!  


In 2012 my Mother's life came to its end. My FUTURE was on FIRE. Every wall in my life seemed to be crumbling... I was suffering crimpling grief and severe depression, battling constant thoughts of suicide,the guy I was seeing was also bad news. My health and future were completely up in the air... 

I was completely unable to work due to my depression. My credit was crap from losing my home in 2009 to foreclosure, paying for groceries with borrowed money. I even got to a point were I had to sell my Mother wedding ring to pay rent. My phone rang endlessly with calls from bill collectors. 

I begged one of the collection companies to please not call during my Mother's memorial service. I said, you can blow up my phone anyday but not that one.....Don't you know they called 8 times during the service... I was standing at the podium in the church she loved, facing all of her friends, with my loving speech in hand....and worse nightmare...I could hear (as well as others) my phone vibrating and going to voicemail call after call..and in that moment it utterly shattered me.. I was trying to do justice to my Mother's memory and it was the final blow.

I was sinking into depression as I tried to keep face. I never let anyone know what was going on behind closed doors...I kept my Facebook posts positive because I needed to try to focus on the light...I was in a dark place in my depression took a deep look at the kidnapping and molestation event that took place when I was ten. Deep layers of feelings...just processing thru

The levels of grief, denial, anger and at the very bottom fear...



I was churning thru all those feelings and praying to God for help. It was in that moment that I realized MY LIFE was on fire and had been on fire for quite some time!!! There was no time for excuses or delays, only time to do whatever it took to get ME OUT! 



I tried on my own to get things improving but 2012, 2013, 2014, 2015..all passed with little improvement even as much as I tried last year.... 

So I started PRAYING......
My EGO is gone.
Any EXCUSES are pointless.
The "RIGHT" way was ANY way that would get me OUT!

And with God's grace I'm going from floundering to fighting with every ounce of my being.

In taking my leap of faith I found myself again! I hope to turn my trials into triumphs and inspire whomever need inspiration, and others like me to have the courage to face their fears and find their purpose! 
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